Voices In My Head

 I'm still here.  Yes, it has been months since my last update.  Sorry about that.

So here's what's going on in a brief list.

• Mom passed away January 9, 2013
• I got back from Texas on January 13th and came back to work on the 16th.  So I was gone nearly a month. 
• The first couple weeks back everyone pretty much treated me like I was made of glass.  
• That didn't last long
• I was finally, finally moved to the Architect team (I've been doing the job for over a year but haven't reported to that manager)
• It was a move, not a promotion.  Still have the same title and the same pay, just report to someone new and get assigned as an Architect resource instead of a Developer
• Every project I'm assigned to is currently exploding or imploding or something.  Lots of ploding.
• Pretty much the only resource left on my old team, the one I'm supposed to be turning development stuff over to, just had surgery and is out for three weeks.
• Almost everything that was moving to her is back on my plate.
• Almost everything that was all hers is on my plate
• I am losing my freaking mind

So yeah.  My stress level right now is not great.  I'm dealing with my grief over Mom.  Maybe not well but dealing.  And I was trying to do better at the work/life balance thing before today.  Now I just don't know.  

I know, I know.  One day at a time, one thing at a time.  I get done what I can, tell all my project managers, etc, what I can't get done, what needs new dates, etc.  And I'm doing that.  Just today hasn't been so good what with lots and lots of shit getting dropped on me.  I'm not quite at my best right now and my ability to bend with this stuff is at an all time low.  I'm trying but today feels more like breaking than bending, you know?

So.  Deep breath.  And back to the salt mines.  

* I'll try to update more often but damn, things are nuts right now.  

Come in to work, log in, get breakfast.
Halfway through breakfast OMGF!INGCRISIS!HELP!
Leave other half of breakfast to get cold. Solve crisis.
Go to meeting (still hungry)
Go to another meeting (still hungry)
Meeting turns into OMGCRISIS.  
Work with others, try to be voice of reason, solve crisis.
Go to another meeting, get asked why my shit isn't done.  See number of meetings.
Lunch and/or go outside and try not to scream
Bring lunch back to my desk.
Catch up on news, blogs and email while eating.
Halfway through lunch OMG!F!INGCRISIS!HELP!
Leave other half of lunch to get cold/warm/inedible.  solve crisis
Go to meeting (hungry, nauseous, and pissed off)
Go to another meeting, PM doesn't remember leaving decision in my lap and saying they support me, now everyone questioning decision and PM throws me under the bus.
Miss a meeting scheduled ten freaking minutes ago because hey I already have another meeting.
Results of missed meeting generate yet another F!INGCRISIS! We have to redesign the entire F!ing project right F!ing NOW!
Skip a meeting to frantically try to stem the bleeding and solve the manufactured and totally unnecessary crisis.
Crisis (hopefully) averted.  Peers say thank you.  Management = crickets
PM that threw me under the bus has OMG!F!INGCRISIS!HELP!  Tempted to flip off and walk away.
Grit my teeth and be a professional.  Solve crisis. 
Finally answer email from hours dealing with meetings and crisis after crisis.
Add several more tasks to my list.  Mark exactly zero complete.
Go home and prepare to do it again tomorrow.


* I would like this job a lot better if some of the people I worked with would use their brains for more than keeping their skulls from collapsing. 

I know I haven't been posting much here.  It seems like every time there's something I want to blog about I forget it or lack the motivation by the time I actually get a chance to sit down and write.  Some of this is the busy-busy that is work these days.  Some is the depression and anxiety.  Some is both.  

On the mental health front therapy is going well.  After a slightly rough start I'm beginning to like my therapist.  She definitely calls me on my shit, which is good, and she is also understanding, giving me kudos when I make progress.  So all good there.  I've taken to all the homework and activities that she's assigned so far except for the last one.  The Thought Record.  That one, not so much.  Mostly because the event that triggered me getting this tool happened last Thursday and by now I don't want to dig back in to it.  Although there was a minor re-occurrence today so maybe I'll do it after all.  She asked if I was comfortable doing the exercise and I said no but I was OK with trying it.  So I didn't lie and no one should be shocked if I don't have it done when I go to my session on Thursday. 

I seem to be handling things better these days although the office politics shit around here still pisses me off.  The Project From Hell is still going - and will be for another year!  I was supposed to be slowly coming off the project, turning my stuff over to developers.  Unfortunately several things hit the fan recently - everything from vendor estimates being way over the available $$ in the budget to people questioning design to other aspects of design that I was made to change coming full circle until they're back to what I originally suggested.  *sigh*  All this means that we are behind schedule (MOAR STRESS!) and being pushed to find answers NOW NOW NOW!

My other big project, which is not even officially a project as it hasn't been approved from on high yet, is already The Son Of The Project From Hell.  Why do I keep getting these things?  In this one several members of our IT management staff where part of an assessment project a year ago.  That project had no architects and no developers in it - just business people and IT management.  Now that we are actually doing this thing, digging in to the code, researching all our feeds, programs, processes, etc, the project team is reporting something somewhat different than what the assessment project team came up with.  There are a couple of members of the assessment project team that are making a BIG DEAL about this.  Basically they are being very vocal with the VP and loudly stating that I am wrong.  From what I can tell according to them I am wrong about everything.  

Which is really kind of funny seeing as I have their favorite architect helping me on the project now and I asked him about all this stuff and he was (and is) in agreement with me which would mean that he is wrong too but oh, no, he is never wrong but me, well, I'm new at this architect stuff and I'm evidently talking out of my ass because I am WRONG!.  Much of this is about ego and posturing and politics.  Some probably has to do with me going to this conference next week as the two people making the most noise have always gone up to now.  Our VP decided to shake things up and I get the impression that the two loudest voices are pissed that they ended up getting left behind.  Little do they know that I would gladly let them take my place because these things are not my cup of tea.  I'll go and do my job and learn as much as I can but this isn't a freaking vacation for me.  

The politics and ego shit bothers me the most because I don't see any reason for it.  I want to do the right thing, designing a solution that works for everyone, that is flexible enough that we don't have to redo it in a year or two.  I'm putting together a plan that    tries to touch things as few times as possible without keeping code locked for an extended time.  And I have said over and over again to anyone who will listen that I want feedback; give me concerns, suggestions, thoughts, everything.  I am all ears because I want this project to work.  *crickets*  I get nothing. Nada.  Zilch.  Then hear second hand last week that I'm wrong.  And hear it again today in a meeting that I AM WRONG!  

If I'm wrong then tell me what I need to be doing different.  *crickets*
Right.  
This is why I'm in therapy.  So I can deal with this kind of shit without getting depressed, angry or going into a rage and ripping someone's fucking head off.  

I'm bored and still having trouble concentrating today so I decided to clean out my directory on the network.  You know, get rid of old files, delete shit that has been out there for years.  I have a serious amount of old junk stored out there so it is taking a while to get through, especially since I'm opening each file to see what it is before I hit delete.

That's how I found this jem.  I must have been extremely bored on October 21, 2005 when I wrote this (at 4:30 PM if anyone cares).  I was still reading a lot of paranormal romance at that time and I think it was before I stopped reading Laurell K Hamilton completely.  It comes off as really bad fan fic complete with Mary Sue.  Thankfully it isn't long. 

Behind the cut to spare the refined sensibilites of my readers! 
( Now with Typos! )

I meant to post over the weekend but was having far too much fun doing absolutely nothing to bother.  I took both Friday and Monday as vacation days, giving myself a four day weekend. 

It was glorious.

The only errand I absolutely had to do was take the car in for its 6 month checkup Friday morning.  Did that and the rest of the weekend was mine.  I did leave the house a couple of times to go shopping for shoes and purses - otherwise I was either sleeping, reading or surfing.  I didn't even go to the grocery store!  Other than a brief headache on Saturday (brought on by all the yahoos out while I was shopping) I even felt good for a change.  Head was fine, tummy was fine, no stress.  Mom even mentioned on the phone Sunday that I was obviously in a good mood. 

Then I came back to work today.  Made it all of 45 minutes before something pissed me off.  Today I wrestled with our new help ticket system, wrote a tech design, told my PM* on The Project From Hell that we didn't have the resources to do what we needed to (AGAIN!), and spent most of the day solving problems that shouldn't have had to wait for me to get back.  Typical day at the office.

Now I'm going to go home, fix something for dinner, have a nice glass of wine and read for a while before bedtime so I can do it all again tomorrow. 

* The PM is back after being really, really sick.  He came back Thursday but I didn't see him that day and then I was out.  The only time I saw him today was in a meeting where I and a couple of others told him everything he didn't want to hear - just as we've been doing for freaking months now I might add - and he was very unhappy. 

A few days with antibiotics plus lots of sleep equals me feeling way better.  I still have a rather full head and the drugs kill my appetite but the coughing has abated and I'm sleeping the whole night so antibiotics for the win! 

Despite not wanting to eat I did go to the store yesterday and got everything I need for Thanksgiving.  I'm doing a roasted turkey breast (since its already in the bag so I don't have to touch the raw meat!), fried potatoes with garlic and rosemary, steamed brussel sprouts, steamed asparagus, dinner rolls and Wick's sugar cream pie for dessert.  There will be leftovers.  Considering the touchy tummy I'll probably have lots of leftovers.  Which is fine, I'll just freeze half the turkey breast or use it for soup or something.  

Yesterday I started working on the vacation pictures.  I just meant to caption Greece...three hours later I realized I hadn't moved, needed to pee, and had finished all 700+ pics.  Guess I was on a roll.  Expect to start seeing pics show up here soon.  Not right now though since I'm at work and should really be, ya know, working. 

Have I mentioned that this is the project from hell?  So it was before I went on vacation and so it is now that I'm back.  It wouldn't be so bad if the TPTB were more interested in working towards a successful solution rather than winning at office politics.  Unfortunately politics is the name of the game around here these days, especially when working with an outside vendor.  Its all about winning, not about doing what is right.  Kind of sucks since it makes the rest of us feel like we're being set up to fail.

On that note I should get back to it. 

I still felt fine when I got up this morning but as the day goes on I'm getting more and more puny.  No where near as bad as Saturday though.  My head just feels like its filling up.  Could be the weather.  Could be something in this building to which I'm allergic.  Could be because I slept like crap last night.  Who knows.  I just know that I really want to take a nap right now. 

As per usual work is kicking my butt.  I had a plan for today, damn it!  That plan unraveled about 10 minutes after I got here.  So at noon when I went to lunch I put together a new plan, one for this afternoon.  Yeah, not going so well.  So far I've gotten to exactly one (1) item on my new plan.  The rest of the time (other than this little vent session on my blog) has been spent doing someone else's work.  I have comments but will refrain from making them as I'm already feeling icky and I don't need to make myself any more cranky than I already am.