mythicalgirl: (blow me)
I had a plan for today.  Really I did.  Wrote it out in my journal and everything.  

Then I came to work.  

OH. MY. GOD.  

It started less than five minutes after I logged in and I swear I haven't stopped since.  I have been so busy I think something in my brain actually snapped about twenty minutes ago.  

Nothing on my list was accomplished.  Absolutely nothing.  

How could I be so busy all day and not have anything to show for it?*

Can has clone now?

*disclaimer:  I actually did get a metric shit ton of stuff done just not on the big projects that are demanding all my time.  
mythicalgirl: (bipolaroid)
I know I haven't been posting much here.  It seems like every time there's something I want to blog about I forget it or lack the motivation by the time I actually get a chance to sit down and write.  Some of this is the busy-busy that is work these days.  Some is the depression and anxiety.  Some is both.  

On the mental health front therapy is going well.  After a slightly rough start I'm beginning to like my therapist.  She definitely calls me on my shit, which is good, and she is also understanding, giving me kudos when I make progress.  So all good there.  I've taken to all the homework and activities that she's assigned so far except for the last one.  The Thought Record.  That one, not so much.  Mostly because the event that triggered me getting this tool happened last Thursday and by now I don't want to dig back in to it.  Although there was a minor re-occurrence today so maybe I'll do it after all.  She asked if I was comfortable doing the exercise and I said no but I was OK with trying it.  So I didn't lie and no one should be shocked if I don't have it done when I go to my session on Thursday. 

I seem to be handling things better these days although the office politics shit around here still pisses me off.  The Project From Hell is still going - and will be for another year!  I was supposed to be slowly coming off the project, turning my stuff over to developers.  Unfortunately several things hit the fan recently - everything from vendor estimates being way over the available $$ in the budget to people questioning design to other aspects of design that I was made to change coming full circle until they're back to what I originally suggested.  *sigh*  All this means that we are behind schedule (MOAR STRESS!) and being pushed to find answers NOW NOW NOW!

My other big project, which is not even officially a project as it hasn't been approved from on high yet, is already The Son Of The Project From Hell.  Why do I keep getting these things?  In this one several members of our IT management staff where part of an assessment project a year ago.  That project had no architects and no developers in it - just business people and IT management.  Now that we are actually doing this thing, digging in to the code, researching all our feeds, programs, processes, etc, the project team is reporting something somewhat different than what the assessment project team came up with.  There are a couple of members of the assessment project team that are making a BIG DEAL about this.  Basically they are being very vocal with the VP and loudly stating that I am wrong.  From what I can tell according to them I am wrong about everything.  

Which is really kind of funny seeing as I have their favorite architect helping me on the project now and I asked him about all this stuff and he was (and is) in agreement with me which would mean that he is wrong too but oh, no, he is never wrong but me, well, I'm new at this architect stuff and I'm evidently talking out of my ass because I am WRONG!.  Much of this is about ego and posturing and politics.  Some probably has to do with me going to this conference next week as the two people making the most noise have always gone up to now.  Our VP decided to shake things up and I get the impression that the two loudest voices are pissed that they ended up getting left behind.  Little do they know that I would gladly let them take my place because these things are not my cup of tea.  I'll go and do my job and learn as much as I can but this isn't a freaking vacation for me.  

The politics and ego shit bothers me the most because I don't see any reason for it.  I want to do the right thing, designing a solution that works for everyone, that is flexible enough that we don't have to redo it in a year or two.  I'm putting together a plan that    tries to touch things as few times as possible without keeping code locked for an extended time.  And I have said over and over again to anyone who will listen that I want feedback; give me concerns, suggestions, thoughts, everything.  I am all ears because I want this project to work.  *crickets*  I get nothing. Nada.  Zilch.  Then hear second hand last week that I'm wrong.  And hear it again today in a meeting that I AM WRONG!  

If I'm wrong then tell me what I need to be doing different.  *crickets*
Right.  
This is why I'm in therapy.  So I can deal with this kind of shit without getting depressed, angry or going into a rage and ripping someone's fucking head off.  
mythicalgirl: (ladybug)
I'm obviously not doing a very good job of posting here lately.  I should really try to do better.

This is just a quick post to let everyone know I'm still here.  Work is the usual busy-busy, home is what it is, nothing thrilling going on right now.  Therapy is going well and I have a couple new tools to use, like adjusting my sleep schedule and journaling, to go along with the breathing and PMR, etc.  Too soon to tell what will work for me and what won't. 

And nothing else to post right now as I've been surfing (iTunes and Amazon) for hours and I'm tired of being at the computer.  Plus I'm hungry and its past lunchtime. 

It Rained!

Jul. 14th, 2012 01:55 pm
mythicalgirl: (bipolaroid)
Well, it kind of rained for about twenty minutes but hey!  Rain!  Seeing as it has only rained at my house twice for less then ten minutes each time since May I'm calling this a win.  Today was only about two minutes of heavy downpour but another twenty or so of light rain.  Of course everything is all dried out again already but I'm still happy to get any rain I can. 

Indianapolis is now officially in extreme drought - and we are under water restrictions now.  No watering, washing cars, etc.  You can still water flowers and veggies every other day so long as you hand water.  And commercial car washes are still running.  And golf courses can water (WTF?) but the rest of us can't.  Seeing as I haven't watered anything but the flower gardens in over a month nothing is really different for me.  Now we wait to see if we go on harsher restrictions if the drought continues.  I already turn off the faucet when crushing my teeth, turn off the shower when shaving my legs, do full loads in the washer and dishwasher, etc.  Other than trying to reclaim the grey-water from the washer and shit I'm not sure how much more I can do. 

In other news therapy is going well.  I wasn't all that thrilled with the doc after the first visit as the whole thing felt more like an interview than a conversation - and she kept interrupting me - but my second visit was totally different.  More conversational.  We spent time focusing on some concrete tools like breathing exercises and progressive muscle relaxation to help control my anxiety.  Because yes, I have some mild anxiety.  Both social and generalized.  Most of which I hold in my stomach and shoulders leaving me feeling nauseous and with a headache.  Hmm - that sounds familiar, doesn't it?  So I'm doing my exercises and listening to my guided imagery thing at bedtime.  I actually think it is helping a little bit.  I've felt a little bit better and been more even keeled this last week than I have been in a while.  And I'm sleeping better, which helps immensely.

I did have a moment at work the other day when I pretty much freaked out.  Thursday was one of those days.  I may have mentioned here once or twice that I'm very busy these days.  Like for the last three weeks I've gotten a new project every five days type busy.  Well, got another one of Thursday.  One of my coworkers was sending me email all morning with shit about this project he was writing the tech design for and needed the ancillary apps to be coded the same way, blah blah blah.  I finally got up, walked over to his desk, and asked him what the hell he was talking about.  (I didn't use "Hell" though - he's one of the really religious peeps I work with and I try not to cuss around him.  Sometimes I even succeed.).  Seems one of the projects that I knew about but was told would not need ancillary work does indeed need ancillary work.  But no one told me.  And no one got me involved while they were doing the requirements.  So it is only now that a developer is working on it and his boss said the ancillaries aren't his responsibility that I'm finding out there is work to do.  Typical really.

So there I am scrambling to find all the documentation and get up to speed on yet another project when my boss comes to my desk and is all "um, can I talk to you for a minutes?".  In my head I'm thinking "dude, you just gave me my raise two days ago, you can't be firing me now" as I'm walking to his desk.  I relax as soon as I realize we are at his desk and not a conference room as that means it can't been too bad, right?  Then he proceeds to tell me that he and his boss, the VP, have decided that I need to go to this conference in August that our main vendor puts on so that I can absorb all the stuff about their new technology since, to paraphrase, its all about services and business rule management systems and workflow processing and I understand all that stuff.  Plus its part of getting me up to speed and being a real architect.  

My first reaction?  No, no, f-ing no!  Don't make me go! 
What I actually said?  Okay.
Then I went back to my desk and spent the next hour registering for the conference, calling the hotel and begging for the conference rate since early registration had already closed, and working with our admin to get my flights set up.   

I've been to these conferences and user groups before so this is not a big deal (and I'm usually kind of bored).  I am a little anxious (ha!) about how I'll deal with all the people and networking shit that is expected of me.  I'll be doing a lot of breathing exercises I think. 

So that's the latest with me.  Today I plan to do a whole lot of nothing.  Maybe read a bit, grab something to eat, and just chill out.  Tomorrow I'm going to clean the house as it needs it big time.  I may start today if I get motivated. 

And now I'm going to go plan Bejewelled obsessively for a few hours.  Later.
mythicalgirl: (bipolaroid)
...until I was assigned to this new project.  Now I know what busy is - and this is only the SECOND FREAKING DAY!

The new project is far more exciting to me than the old project but it is also just as (if not more) huge.  I mean HUGE!  Like touching nearly every program and system we have HUGE!  Want to know the best part?

I'm the systems architect.

Not one of the architects, not the junior architect.  The freaking lead, flying solo, if-I-fuck-up-its-all-me architect.

I'm fine.  I flipped out a little and kind of forgot how to breathe for a few minutes yesterday when I found out but today I'm fine.  OK, maybe I'm still flipping out a little but I can do this.  

...And I just got meeting invites for yet another project.  What the fuck, people?  

I seriously need that clone I ordered.  Or minions.  I could use minions.  WAIT!  I have a minion.  Well, technically now that he's been here for over a year he's no longer in training and I'm not officially his mentor - or his boss even though our mutual boss tends to act as though he really works for me but we won't go into that now - but he did tell me he needed work!  So I can pawn some of this shit off onto him (maybe).  YAY!  

This blog post brought to you by my brain while stressed out.  Thank goodness I start therapy Monday.   


mythicalgirl: (Default)
How long has it been since I've done an update?  Wow, um, I'm really sorry about that.  Seriously I had no idea it had been so long.

So what's been up around here lately?  Well, its been hot as hell for days on end with no rain.  I'm not a big fan of the heat.  Or of the sun for that matter (pale = burn).  And the lack of rain means drought - I'm not sure if its official yet or not but 16 days without rain and most of them over 90 degrees?  Yeah, not good.  

The painting is finished, or at least nearly so. I signed it so I guess that means its done.  There are a couple of touch ups to do then the gloss varnish then it will officially be complete.  Now that I've done one and I know how I can get the effect I want I have ideas for more stained glass type paintings.  We'll see if I actually do any of them.

Saw Prometheus last weekend.  Overall I liked it but damn does it have some problems.  It was entertaining but I wasn't able to get really immersed in it due to the stupid.  So much stupid!  Which is sad because there is so much there that is really cool from the look and feel of the movie to all the mythological and Christian symbolism/allegory to the Creation vs Evolution (and are they really at odds?) story beneath the surface.  Plus all the hat tips to Alien.  Pity about the stupid because if the storytelling had been better it would have gone from a fun movie to a truly meaningful one.  

Have you ever tried Chocolate Cheerios?  I got some at the store a couple of weeks ago, figuring what the heck, right?  Damn!  A bowl of these with vanilla almond milk and I'm in taste bud heaven.  I also have a box of the caramel flavored to try.  Yes, I'm having desert flavored cereal for breakfast.  Your point?

Work is work.  The Project From Hell continue to be a project and from hell.  Luckily my part is ramping down at least for the time being.  I've designed the hell out of this thing, now its time to hand my designs off to the developers.  I still have a lot of work to do, especially getting my resources to see my vision and bringing them up to speed on the project, but I don't feel like TPFH is eating my brain anymore.  In other work news now that TPFH is easing up I'm being assigned to another very large project as an architect and Subject Matter Expert.  Which means I now have another project to eat my brain.  Yay! 

In somewhat related news I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday.  As mentioned here before between the stress from the job and my regular depression I've been having periods of more intense crazy.  They could be hormonal or related to medication or just me going crazy.  Since its pretty much impossible for me to know I decided that adding talk therapy back in would be a good thing.  One of my friends started seeing this doc a little over a month ago and likes her so I decided to give her a try.  My work, thankfully, has an employee assistance program that lets me have 6 sessions for free - more than enough time to know if I like her, if I'm comfortable and if the dynamic is right.  If not I'll try someone else.  If she works for me then maybe we can find new strategies for me or break through the blocks that are keeping me from using the coping skills I already know.    

On a lighter note I have another cultural/social engagement this weekend.  My friend B- and I are going to see Idina Menzel in concert.  I am seriously looking forward to this.  And a week after that we're seeing Quidam!  Cirque du Soleil rocks!  So yay me for getting out of the house, being social, and getting some culture.  Not to mention having fun.  

That's it for now.  I have one more meeting then I can scoot.  I would promise to post more often but we know how that goes so I'll just say "Later".  
mythicalgirl: (bipolaroid)
This is a holiday weekend here in the US which means I get three days off.  Yay!  So what am I planning to do with my bonus me time? 

Absolutely nothing.

I have gardens to work on and if I'm ever going to plant veggies this year I need to get to it but its going to be in the 90s all weekend, which is yuck, so I plan on staying where the air conditioning is.  I might get outside to do some work if I get up early enough (Ha!) before it gets hot but I'm not making any plans. 

The painting really popped once I did the "lead" lines.  I'm actually more happy with it than I thought I would be - I'm seldom happy with any of my work until it has time to grow on me so this is kind of a surprise.  I need to finish it soon as I have some new ideas involving stencils, modeling paste, and color washes I want to try out. 

It really is good being creative again. 

For now I'm just trying to get through the rest of the work day until I can get out of here for a weekend of reading, Babylon 5 (season 2!), WalMart, more reading, and naps! 
mythicalgirl: (Default)
DSCN1113 by tanalia9
DSCN1113, a photo by tanalia9 on Flickr.

Soliloquy... as of 5/20/12

mythicalgirl: (Zombies are people too)
Even salaried peeps are expected to put in eight hours of work a day here.  That means lunch is on your own time and should be taken into account when determining when you can leave for the day. 

Or at least that's what I've always thought.  Evidently working 7-7.5 hours is just dandy. 

Sorry - feeling a bit cranky today so the crap some people get up to is pissing me off. 

One more meeting then I can go to the gym and go home.  With a full 8.5 hours under my belt. 

ETA: still here and past 4:30.  I might get out of here in the next twenty minutes. Maybe. 
mythicalgirl: (Default)
DSCN1103 by tanalia9
DSCN1103, a photo by tanalia9 on Flickr.

All color is in. Comments?

mythicalgirl: (Default)
DSCN1101 by tanalia9
DSCN1101, a photo by tanalia9 on Flickr.

From today. Paint is still wet.

mythicalgirl: (Default)
My mood is better than it was earlier in the week although I wouldn't say that I'm exactly sane yet. 

I'm happy with the President's announcement yesterday where he came out in favor of gay marriage. Yay!
I'm cranky with the reaction from so many religious conservatives.  Boo Hiss!
But it cheers me to see the support, especially from people in my generation and younger.  Yay!

I've read two cozy mysteries so far this week and am part of the way through my third.  Fluff reading, yes, but that seems to be what I need right now. 
I've also started a book on the myths and legends of Ancient Egypt, definitely not fluff reading, but also seemingly just what I need right now.  At least it works to keep me interested while at the gym. 

I am getting to the gym although not every day like I want.  I skipped yesterday as I intended to get some of the grass cut.  Unfortunately it started raining about 30 minutes after I got home while I was still eating dinner.  So no yard work last night.  I don't know yet if I'm going to hit the gym or try again on the yard after work today.  If I go to the gym I can read.  If I go home I can get at least some of the grass cut before it gets out of control again.  decisions decisions.

Work is work and I don't really want to discuss it right now as it takes up far too much of my time as it is.

I'm still slowly working on the painting.  I'm nearly done with all the "stained glass" color, although only some of the panes have turned out the way I wanted them to - some aren't translucent enough so there may be some over painting in my future.  Once I get all the panes done I'll start working on getting the translucence and depth I'm looking for, ink or paint in the Latin script, age the entire thing, then do the leading.  I'm leaning towards more mixed media than all acrylic for this one.  We'll see how it goes.  Even if the end result sucks I'm having fun working on this one and I consider that a success.  I'm also taking pictures of my progress that I'll try to start posting this weekend. 

I also picked up a copy of the Indianapolis Art Center summer class schedule.  I'm not sure if I'll take a class or not but I want to see if they have something that interests me.

So yeah, things are OK.  I'm still feeling kind of 'off' but better than earlier in the week.  Maybe partly hormonal?  Who knows. 
mythicalgirl: (pirate)
This one is from February 19, 2003 at 1:43 PM.  Obviously influenced by the classical studies and mythology classes I was taking at the time.  If I remember correctly in my mythology class we had to take one of the characters from Greek Mythology and make a new myth for them.  I wrote a (very) short story.  No, I don't remember what kind of grade I got but since I aced the class it couldn't have been too bad!

Behind the cut for f-list mercy.


Hera's Heart )

mythicalgirl: (not doing shit)
I'm bored and still having trouble concentrating today so I decided to clean out my directory on the network.  You know, get rid of old files, delete shit that has been out there for years.  I have a serious amount of old junk stored out there so it is taking a while to get through, especially since I'm opening each file to see what it is before I hit delete.

That's how I found this jem.  I must have been extremely bored on October 21, 2005 when I wrote this (at 4:30 PM if anyone cares).  I was still reading a lot of paranormal romance at that time and I think it was before I stopped reading Laurell K Hamilton completely.  It comes off as really bad fan fic complete with Mary Sue.  Thankfully it isn't long. 

Behind the cut to spare the refined sensibilites of my readers! 
Now with Typos! )

mythicalgirl: (Default)

The past weekend was a good one, if I do say so myself.  Saturday saw me cleaning the gutters, pulling weeds, running the trimmer, spraying some weed killer (noticing a pattern yet?) and finally doing a quick run to the grocery store.  Sunday saw me going to see a matinee performance of Avenue Q at the local contemporary theatre with friends.  Over the two days I also read a book (Doctored Evidence by Donna Leon) and watched episodes 1-5 of Downton Abbey, Season 1. 

I suppose it is a good thing that the weekend went so well because today, well, today has not been a good day.  Oh, work is fine.  The Project From Hell continues apace but so far the change in project manager hasn't had much affect on me.  I still have a ton of work to do, which I'm getting through as well as I can.  No, work today is fine.  But I'm not.  That situational depression is back with a vengeance, making it hard to concentrate and harder to care.  I've actually managed to get several things accomplished today - on two projects no less - but I feel like an unmotivated loser all the same.  

Seems today is one of my crazier crazy days.  I am much better now than I was when I first got up this morning at 6:30 but I will be the first to admit that I'm not great.  *sigh*

I plan on going to gym for a bit despite the fact that my legs (and butt) are sore from Saturday.  Once home I hope to do some work on the painting and maybe read for a while - probably a cozy mystery as I'm not in the mood for anything more involved right now.  I'll take my meds, go to bed, and hope that I'm a little less crazy tomorrow. 

      
  

Rainy Days

May. 1st, 2012 03:26 pm
mythicalgirl: (leaking karma)
The transition from old PM to new PM on The Project From Hell continues.  I think the change over is supposed to be done after this week but we'll see.

Right now I'm swamped with migrating servers to our new service provider, reviewing acceptance test plans for TPFH, designing web services and ETL processes for TPFH, and getting all our applications fixed that the new service provider F'ed up last week.  The last two days have been busy but refusing to let it get to me.  

While I didn't get to the gym last night I did get home with plenty of time to read the second half of Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess).  Way better than the gym!  I rarely laugh out loud at things I read, more just chuckle, but Ms. Lawson had me belly laughing (and giggling, smiling, and choking up a bit at times).  Seriously, you must read this book!  I may do an actual review later (yeah, right) but for now just take my work that this is a kick ass memoir that you need to go read right now!

In other news it is raining.  It rained Saturday and Sunday and Monday and now today.  The grass is getting out of control.  Again.  We are supposed to be hot and dry the next couple days though so maybe I'll get it done after work.  

In other other news I'm going to see Avenue Q this weekend with some friends.  Culture!  Well, if you count full-frontal puppet nudity as culture.  Which luckily I do!

Now I have one more meeting then I can go to the gym for some quality time on the elliptical, just me and my Kindle.  Later! 

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