Voices In My Head

I know I haven't been posting much here.  It seems like every time there's something I want to blog about I forget it or lack the motivation by the time I actually get a chance to sit down and write.  Some of this is the busy-busy that is work these days.  Some is the depression and anxiety.  Some is both.  

On the mental health front therapy is going well.  After a slightly rough start I'm beginning to like my therapist.  She definitely calls me on my shit, which is good, and she is also understanding, giving me kudos when I make progress.  So all good there.  I've taken to all the homework and activities that she's assigned so far except for the last one.  The Thought Record.  That one, not so much.  Mostly because the event that triggered me getting this tool happened last Thursday and by now I don't want to dig back in to it.  Although there was a minor re-occurrence today so maybe I'll do it after all.  She asked if I was comfortable doing the exercise and I said no but I was OK with trying it.  So I didn't lie and no one should be shocked if I don't have it done when I go to my session on Thursday. 

I seem to be handling things better these days although the office politics shit around here still pisses me off.  The Project From Hell is still going - and will be for another year!  I was supposed to be slowly coming off the project, turning my stuff over to developers.  Unfortunately several things hit the fan recently - everything from vendor estimates being way over the available $$ in the budget to people questioning design to other aspects of design that I was made to change coming full circle until they're back to what I originally suggested.  *sigh*  All this means that we are behind schedule (MOAR STRESS!) and being pushed to find answers NOW NOW NOW!

My other big project, which is not even officially a project as it hasn't been approved from on high yet, is already The Son Of The Project From Hell.  Why do I keep getting these things?  In this one several members of our IT management staff where part of an assessment project a year ago.  That project had no architects and no developers in it - just business people and IT management.  Now that we are actually doing this thing, digging in to the code, researching all our feeds, programs, processes, etc, the project team is reporting something somewhat different than what the assessment project team came up with.  There are a couple of members of the assessment project team that are making a BIG DEAL about this.  Basically they are being very vocal with the VP and loudly stating that I am wrong.  From what I can tell according to them I am wrong about everything.  

Which is really kind of funny seeing as I have their favorite architect helping me on the project now and I asked him about all this stuff and he was (and is) in agreement with me which would mean that he is wrong too but oh, no, he is never wrong but me, well, I'm new at this architect stuff and I'm evidently talking out of my ass because I am WRONG!.  Much of this is about ego and posturing and politics.  Some probably has to do with me going to this conference next week as the two people making the most noise have always gone up to now.  Our VP decided to shake things up and I get the impression that the two loudest voices are pissed that they ended up getting left behind.  Little do they know that I would gladly let them take my place because these things are not my cup of tea.  I'll go and do my job and learn as much as I can but this isn't a freaking vacation for me.  

The politics and ego shit bothers me the most because I don't see any reason for it.  I want to do the right thing, designing a solution that works for everyone, that is flexible enough that we don't have to redo it in a year or two.  I'm putting together a plan that    tries to touch things as few times as possible without keeping code locked for an extended time.  And I have said over and over again to anyone who will listen that I want feedback; give me concerns, suggestions, thoughts, everything.  I am all ears because I want this project to work.  *crickets*  I get nothing. Nada.  Zilch.  Then hear second hand last week that I'm wrong.  And hear it again today in a meeting that I AM WRONG!  

If I'm wrong then tell me what I need to be doing different.  *crickets*
Right.  
This is why I'm in therapy.  So I can deal with this kind of shit without getting depressed, angry or going into a rage and ripping someone's fucking head off.  

Well, it kind of rained for about twenty minutes but hey!  Rain!  Seeing as it has only rained at my house twice for less then ten minutes each time since May I'm calling this a win.  Today was only about two minutes of heavy downpour but another twenty or so of light rain.  Of course everything is all dried out again already but I'm still happy to get any rain I can. 

Indianapolis is now officially in extreme drought - and we are under water restrictions now.  No watering, washing cars, etc.  You can still water flowers and veggies every other day so long as you hand water.  And commercial car washes are still running.  And golf courses can water (WTF?) but the rest of us can't.  Seeing as I haven't watered anything but the flower gardens in over a month nothing is really different for me.  Now we wait to see if we go on harsher restrictions if the drought continues.  I already turn off the faucet when crushing my teeth, turn off the shower when shaving my legs, do full loads in the washer and dishwasher, etc.  Other than trying to reclaim the grey-water from the washer and shit I'm not sure how much more I can do. 

In other news therapy is going well.  I wasn't all that thrilled with the doc after the first visit as the whole thing felt more like an interview than a conversation - and she kept interrupting me - but my second visit was totally different.  More conversational.  We spent time focusing on some concrete tools like breathing exercises and progressive muscle relaxation to help control my anxiety.  Because yes, I have some mild anxiety.  Both social and generalized.  Most of which I hold in my stomach and shoulders leaving me feeling nauseous and with a headache.  Hmm - that sounds familiar, doesn't it?  So I'm doing my exercises and listening to my guided imagery thing at bedtime.  I actually think it is helping a little bit.  I've felt a little bit better and been more even keeled this last week than I have been in a while.  And I'm sleeping better, which helps immensely.

I did have a moment at work the other day when I pretty much freaked out.  Thursday was one of those days.  I may have mentioned here once or twice that I'm very busy these days.  Like for the last three weeks I've gotten a new project every five days type busy.  Well, got another one of Thursday.  One of my coworkers was sending me email all morning with shit about this project he was writing the tech design for and needed the ancillary apps to be coded the same way, blah blah blah.  I finally got up, walked over to his desk, and asked him what the hell he was talking about.  (I didn't use "Hell" though - he's one of the really religious peeps I work with and I try not to cuss around him.  Sometimes I even succeed.).  Seems one of the projects that I knew about but was told would not need ancillary work does indeed need ancillary work.  But no one told me.  And no one got me involved while they were doing the requirements.  So it is only now that a developer is working on it and his boss said the ancillaries aren't his responsibility that I'm finding out there is work to do.  Typical really.

So there I am scrambling to find all the documentation and get up to speed on yet another project when my boss comes to my desk and is all "um, can I talk to you for a minutes?".  In my head I'm thinking "dude, you just gave me my raise two days ago, you can't be firing me now" as I'm walking to his desk.  I relax as soon as I realize we are at his desk and not a conference room as that means it can't been too bad, right?  Then he proceeds to tell me that he and his boss, the VP, have decided that I need to go to this conference in August that our main vendor puts on so that I can absorb all the stuff about their new technology since, to paraphrase, its all about services and business rule management systems and workflow processing and I understand all that stuff.  Plus its part of getting me up to speed and being a real architect.  

My first reaction?  No, no, f-ing no!  Don't make me go! 
What I actually said?  Okay.
Then I went back to my desk and spent the next hour registering for the conference, calling the hotel and begging for the conference rate since early registration had already closed, and working with our admin to get my flights set up.   

I've been to these conferences and user groups before so this is not a big deal (and I'm usually kind of bored).  I am a little anxious (ha!) about how I'll deal with all the people and networking shit that is expected of me.  I'll be doing a lot of breathing exercises I think. 

So that's the latest with me.  Today I plan to do a whole lot of nothing.  Maybe read a bit, grab something to eat, and just chill out.  Tomorrow I'm going to clean the house as it needs it big time.  I may start today if I get motivated. 

And now I'm going to go plan Bejewelled obsessively for a few hours.  Later.

How long has it been since I've done an update?  Wow, um, I'm really sorry about that.  Seriously I had no idea it had been so long.

So what's been up around here lately?  Well, its been hot as hell for days on end with no rain.  I'm not a big fan of the heat.  Or of the sun for that matter (pale = burn).  And the lack of rain means drought - I'm not sure if its official yet or not but 16 days without rain and most of them over 90 degrees?  Yeah, not good.  

The painting is finished, or at least nearly so. I signed it so I guess that means its done.  There are a couple of touch ups to do then the gloss varnish then it will officially be complete.  Now that I've done one and I know how I can get the effect I want I have ideas for more stained glass type paintings.  We'll see if I actually do any of them.

Saw Prometheus last weekend.  Overall I liked it but damn does it have some problems.  It was entertaining but I wasn't able to get really immersed in it due to the stupid.  So much stupid!  Which is sad because there is so much there that is really cool from the look and feel of the movie to all the mythological and Christian symbolism/allegory to the Creation vs Evolution (and are they really at odds?) story beneath the surface.  Plus all the hat tips to Alien.  Pity about the stupid because if the storytelling had been better it would have gone from a fun movie to a truly meaningful one.  

Have you ever tried Chocolate Cheerios?  I got some at the store a couple of weeks ago, figuring what the heck, right?  Damn!  A bowl of these with vanilla almond milk and I'm in taste bud heaven.  I also have a box of the caramel flavored to try.  Yes, I'm having desert flavored cereal for breakfast.  Your point?

Work is work.  The Project From Hell continue to be a project and from hell.  Luckily my part is ramping down at least for the time being.  I've designed the hell out of this thing, now its time to hand my designs off to the developers.  I still have a lot of work to do, especially getting my resources to see my vision and bringing them up to speed on the project, but I don't feel like TPFH is eating my brain anymore.  In other work news now that TPFH is easing up I'm being assigned to another very large project as an architect and Subject Matter Expert.  Which means I now have another project to eat my brain.  Yay! 

In somewhat related news I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday.  As mentioned here before between the stress from the job and my regular depression I've been having periods of more intense crazy.  They could be hormonal or related to medication or just me going crazy.  Since its pretty much impossible for me to know I decided that adding talk therapy back in would be a good thing.  One of my friends started seeing this doc a little over a month ago and likes her so I decided to give her a try.  My work, thankfully, has an employee assistance program that lets me have 6 sessions for free - more than enough time to know if I like her, if I'm comfortable and if the dynamic is right.  If not I'll try someone else.  If she works for me then maybe we can find new strategies for me or break through the blocks that are keeping me from using the coping skills I already know.    

On a lighter note I have another cultural/social engagement this weekend.  My friend B- and I are going to see Idina Menzel in concert.  I am seriously looking forward to this.  And a week after that we're seeing Quidam!  Cirque du Soleil rocks!  So yay me for getting out of the house, being social, and getting some culture.  Not to mention having fun.  

That's it for now.  I have one more meeting then I can scoot.  I would promise to post more often but we know how that goes so I'll just say "Later".  

Even salaried peeps are expected to put in eight hours of work a day here.  That means lunch is on your own time and should be taken into account when determining when you can leave for the day. 

Or at least that's what I've always thought.  Evidently working 7-7.5 hours is just dandy. 

Sorry - feeling a bit cranky today so the crap some people get up to is pissing me off. 

One more meeting then I can go to the gym and go home.  With a full 8.5 hours under my belt. 

ETA: still here and past 4:30.  I might get out of here in the next twenty minutes. Maybe. 

This one is from February 19, 2003 at 1:43 PM.  Obviously influenced by the classical studies and mythology classes I was taking at the time.  If I remember correctly in my mythology class we had to take one of the characters from Greek Mythology and make a new myth for them.  I wrote a (very) short story.  No, I don't remember what kind of grade I got but since I aced the class it couldn't have been too bad!

Behind the cut for f-list mercy.


( Hera's Heart )

The transition from old PM to new PM on The Project From Hell continues.  I think the change over is supposed to be done after this week but we'll see.

Right now I'm swamped with migrating servers to our new service provider, reviewing acceptance test plans for TPFH, designing web services and ETL processes for TPFH, and getting all our applications fixed that the new service provider F'ed up last week.  The last two days have been busy but refusing to let it get to me.  

While I didn't get to the gym last night I did get home with plenty of time to read the second half of Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess).  Way better than the gym!  I rarely laugh out loud at things I read, more just chuckle, but Ms. Lawson had me belly laughing (and giggling, smiling, and choking up a bit at times).  Seriously, you must read this book!  I may do an actual review later (yeah, right) but for now just take my work that this is a kick ass memoir that you need to go read right now!

In other news it is raining.  It rained Saturday and Sunday and Monday and now today.  The grass is getting out of control.  Again.  We are supposed to be hot and dry the next couple days though so maybe I'll get it done after work.  

In other other news I'm going to see Avenue Q this weekend with some friends.  Culture!  Well, if you count full-frontal puppet nudity as culture.  Which luckily I do!

Now I have one more meeting then I can go to the gym for some quality time on the elliptical, just me and my Kindle.  Later!