Jul. 30th, 2012

mythicalgirl: (bipolaroid)
I know I haven't been posting much here.  It seems like every time there's something I want to blog about I forget it or lack the motivation by the time I actually get a chance to sit down and write.  Some of this is the busy-busy that is work these days.  Some is the depression and anxiety.  Some is both.  

On the mental health front therapy is going well.  After a slightly rough start I'm beginning to like my therapist.  She definitely calls me on my shit, which is good, and she is also understanding, giving me kudos when I make progress.  So all good there.  I've taken to all the homework and activities that she's assigned so far except for the last one.  The Thought Record.  That one, not so much.  Mostly because the event that triggered me getting this tool happened last Thursday and by now I don't want to dig back in to it.  Although there was a minor re-occurrence today so maybe I'll do it after all.  She asked if I was comfortable doing the exercise and I said no but I was OK with trying it.  So I didn't lie and no one should be shocked if I don't have it done when I go to my session on Thursday. 

I seem to be handling things better these days although the office politics shit around here still pisses me off.  The Project From Hell is still going - and will be for another year!  I was supposed to be slowly coming off the project, turning my stuff over to developers.  Unfortunately several things hit the fan recently - everything from vendor estimates being way over the available $$ in the budget to people questioning design to other aspects of design that I was made to change coming full circle until they're back to what I originally suggested.  *sigh*  All this means that we are behind schedule (MOAR STRESS!) and being pushed to find answers NOW NOW NOW!

My other big project, which is not even officially a project as it hasn't been approved from on high yet, is already The Son Of The Project From Hell.  Why do I keep getting these things?  In this one several members of our IT management staff where part of an assessment project a year ago.  That project had no architects and no developers in it - just business people and IT management.  Now that we are actually doing this thing, digging in to the code, researching all our feeds, programs, processes, etc, the project team is reporting something somewhat different than what the assessment project team came up with.  There are a couple of members of the assessment project team that are making a BIG DEAL about this.  Basically they are being very vocal with the VP and loudly stating that I am wrong.  From what I can tell according to them I am wrong about everything.  

Which is really kind of funny seeing as I have their favorite architect helping me on the project now and I asked him about all this stuff and he was (and is) in agreement with me which would mean that he is wrong too but oh, no, he is never wrong but me, well, I'm new at this architect stuff and I'm evidently talking out of my ass because I am WRONG!.  Much of this is about ego and posturing and politics.  Some probably has to do with me going to this conference next week as the two people making the most noise have always gone up to now.  Our VP decided to shake things up and I get the impression that the two loudest voices are pissed that they ended up getting left behind.  Little do they know that I would gladly let them take my place because these things are not my cup of tea.  I'll go and do my job and learn as much as I can but this isn't a freaking vacation for me.  

The politics and ego shit bothers me the most because I don't see any reason for it.  I want to do the right thing, designing a solution that works for everyone, that is flexible enough that we don't have to redo it in a year or two.  I'm putting together a plan that    tries to touch things as few times as possible without keeping code locked for an extended time.  And I have said over and over again to anyone who will listen that I want feedback; give me concerns, suggestions, thoughts, everything.  I am all ears because I want this project to work.  *crickets*  I get nothing. Nada.  Zilch.  Then hear second hand last week that I'm wrong.  And hear it again today in a meeting that I AM WRONG!  

If I'm wrong then tell me what I need to be doing different.  *crickets*
This is why I'm in therapy.  So I can deal with this kind of shit without getting depressed, angry or going into a rage and ripping someone's fucking head off.  


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September 2013

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