Apr. 16th, 2012

mythicalgirl: (bipolaroid)
Well, I didn't get the grass cut this weekend.  Saturday it rained (wow, did it rain) and yesterday I went to the theatre!  I went with some friends from work to see the touring company of Les Miserables - and it was great!  I really didn't know what to expect as I didn't know the story or any of the music.  It was a pleasant surprise and well worth it. 

I also watched a lot of TV, including the last two episodes of season 1 of Babylon 5, the first two episodes of season 1 of Game of Thrones, and the English-language version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.  I've spent more time in front of the TV this weekend than I have in ages (recent vacation excluded). 

I'm obviously in a bit of avoidance mode.  Plus I'm dealing with some situational depression, which makes me cranky.  I've been unhappy at work for a while - not so much with what I'm doing, although I don't like the ambiguity of my current role (am I a systems architect or not?) but with the whole atmosphere around here lately.  Office politics have become the order of the day around here.  Doing the right things for the right reasons tend to take a backseat to one-upmanship and improving your score on the latest survey.  It makes for an upleasant environment.  Not exactly conducive to a happy workplace.  Plus there are all these projects to get done - all high profile and all needing to be done now, now, now! 

I don't talk about it here much but I deal with depression on a pretty regular basis.  I take antidepressants, which for me have been something of a miracle.  But lately I've been aware that my stress level is way up and despite the meds and other coping strategies (yoga, meditation, etc) I've been experiencing more mood swings, more irritability, and other triggers that I've learned over time mean I'm experiencing (or about to experience) a bout of moderate depression.  During my vacation week these symptoms backed off a lot.  While that could have been a placebo effect of being on vacation it is also a good indicator that the depression is situational and related to work. 

All of which means I need to make some decisions.  Best case scenario I learn new coping mechanisms and deal with work as it is.  Worst case scenario I start looking for a new job - this means change and that tends to throw my mental stability for an albeit temporary loop.  In the meantime I'm trying to get back to the gym on a regular basis, working my standard 8.5 hour day rather than 10-12 hours whether The Project From Hell requires it or not, and refusing to use my off-hours for work.  If my mental weirdness continues I'll go back to my doc to adjust my meds and find a new therapist to talk to (something I should probably do anyway). 

As for right now, well, I suppose I should actually get some work done.  *sigh*


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